I’m Starting to Freak Out

You’re probably thinking, wait?  Hold the phone, what could she possibly be worried about freaking out about.  Well, I’m about to tell you.  Here goes. 

First, and foremost.  If you had asked me 10 years ago today, where I thought my life would be right now, it would not be here.  That doesn’t mean I’m unhappy with my life.  It just means that I would never have seen it this way.  Let’s back track through my life, shall we?  I remember right before I took the SAT’s my mom and I had one of our many mother-daughter dinner dates and she asked me if I wanted to go away to college after high school or go to community college, and if so, where.  I responded with, if I was going to go away I would go to Concordia University, but I had no idea about it.  We pretty much decided then and there that I would be going to community college first, after high school.  I am ever so thankful for that decision.  I was able to spend more time with my family and high school friends, and grow up.  Grow up I did.  I faced some challenges and some obstacles that I’m not willing to share on this blog, because the people that are involved don’t deserve to be represented in that light on here.  Although, with those hardships, I did decided to go away to college after my two years of community college.  On August 11, 2007 I moved to San Diego, and started at SDSU.  It was a battle, it was difficult, but it also made me resourceful and a real adult.  I then graduated in 2009.  Where I made the second, or quite possibly the first, life changing decision.

(2007 with Annie)

I moved to Maryland to live with my boyfriend and his family.  It was a culture shock, and I can’t say I hated it, or that it didn’t make me who I am today.  I’m not really sure where I would be had I not done that.  I was only there for one year, before we moved back to California.  I then got a grown up job and have basically been in that same position since then. 

(2009 MD snow)

What does this have to do with anything?  I’ve been an almost 100% self sufficient adult for over 5 years.  It is unfathomable in my mind at 25 that, that is where I would be.  I am so proud of myself and my ability to go through these troubling and jubilant times.  Now, why am I about to freak out? 

I am almost 26.  I have an entry level job that BARELY pays the bills.  I’m not married (although almost none of my friends are, thankfully) and it isn’t even close in my future.  I have no children, thankfully, and they aren’t in the near future either.  The weird thing is, I’m pretty content with those things, but something about turning 26 is messing with my mind.  It makes me closer to 30 than 20.  It means that I’m going to have to step up my game and start looking for promotions.  I’m going to have to decide if I’m going to go back to school, which I’d like to do.  The number 26 is scaring me more than I think 30 would.  Who knows, I’m not there yet. 

(2012 with Dad)

For some reason I feel as though I should know exactly where to be and what I want to be.  Today I want to be a teacher and a mom.  Tomorrow I’ll want to be a writer and a mom later.  Yesterday I wanted to be a lawyer.  I’m still young, but shouldn’t I know who I am and what I want?  I mean, yes, 9 times out of 10, I want to be a teacher and a mom and a wife.  But, what about that 1 time that I want to be a writer or an editor?  What if that’s the right path for me?  I’ve prayed, I’ve contemplated, I’ve thought, and I’ve looked into it.  I have yet to come up with any concrete answer or response. 

So that’s why I’m about to freak out.  I’m having fun with my life, but I don’t know where my road is headed, I have no idea actually.  No clue at all.  And even though the uptight part of me is freaked out about it (which is the paranoid, worrisome part, about 25% of my being) the other half doesn’t care.  I’ve always figured it out, lived it, moved through it, and moved on.  Don’t worry, just go with the flow. 

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2 thoughts on “I’m Starting to Freak Out

  1. I have found that whenever I think I want to go a certain direction in my life I go for it- that feeling had to come from somewhere! Good luck girl!

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